You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
