I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
