i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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