I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
