get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
