Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
