where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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