It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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