I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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