Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
