u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
