dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
