I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
