"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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