hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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