Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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