Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
