My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I am puke
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
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