Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
