Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
