I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
