Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
