it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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