Ambien. No doubt about it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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