This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
