I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
