Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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