It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
