She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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