im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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