my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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