Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
