I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This is classic penis vs brain.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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