Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
