Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
