Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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