I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
