she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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