Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
