Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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