why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
