Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
