My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
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