the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
