you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
