Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Randomize
