i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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