Who did Billy Mays play for?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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