If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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