why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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