This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
