She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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