Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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