Me. At least after what I've been through.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
