True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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