If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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