This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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