Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
