I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
