The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize