Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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