I just pynch a tree in the face
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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