Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When are your genitals available?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
